Granny's Garden Disco

“Every seed is sacred, every seed is true” (inspired by Monty Python’s Meaning of Life)

Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

Re Feeling Rooty: Several readers asked what happened to our veggie friends in the garden last summer when Granny’s Garden Disco opened — please buckle-up and remember to laugh with us (and at us) — this may shock some of our more conservative and sensitive readers.

Musical Pairing: providing something to think about while we read.* Mum and I will humor the readers thinking in music, while they read with a pairing. We will get more serious about this soon, but today we suggest reading the title with the Monty Python’s Every Seed is Sacred and then shift to KTEL’s album “Dancing Queen” followed by “Solid Gold”. Yes, we will be ‘put our records on’ soon in this blog. Always striving to enhance and bring out the flavors of life in SB.

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All ages and body types responded with an eruption of cheers, when Granny's Garden Disco announced its grand opening. You now see the cucumbers trying on cute short skirts, the corn layering on leg-warmers, the carrots pulling-up their knee pads, the turnips tightening their ponytails, and the basil and bok choy organizing their lines to lead the Macarena.

The biggest news is the tomatoes have clearly become the twerk masters.  Rumor has it the cherry tomatoes are sooo good they have been asked to do a twerkshop tour.  The cherry spokesperson said this form of dance has evolved over generations, but it’s rooted in the history of our rows. It helps us break out of our cages, tap into our soil source and align our root chakras. Rumor has it they may even be asked to teach a twerk tabata class on “Good Morning, America.” 

The cherries believe that people who criticize tomato twerking are out of touch with their bodies and the cultural history of movement as a way to celebrate the versatility of their life as both fruit and veg, (rites of passage), and fully ripened womanhood. For women who feel out of touch with their bodies because of cage restrictions, rodent abuse, body + soil shame, weather and seed trauma, and general climate anxiety; twerking in a safe space with others can help release blocked energy, allowing them space to reconnect with themselves and access healing. The cherry spokesperson said: “So many tomatoes come to me and share personal testimonies. They’re like: “I just went through something deep in my roots – it’s sometimes dark, traumatic soil stuff to release – really transformative twerking.”  The cherry tomatoes are so good at twerking, they've been asked to do a workshop tour. That's right, folks. These little red balls of fire are taking the world by storm!

For many tomatoes, especially the yellow tomatoes, this grand opening is long overdue. They have been twerking as a style of dance to expand out of their cages and create a cultural dissonance rooted in identity politics. However, many Heirloom tomatoes are aligned with anti-twerking movement, such as those views shared by Queen Tomato, a spiritual and wellness leader, who offers a “womb wellness workshop” teaching methods for healing from trauma, soil degradation, drought and other pre-seed and womb issues. Her digital talk series “Sacred Tomato” featured commentary by priestess Rolori Royadele, who says, “The time for twerking is over. There is too much work that needs to be done as tomatos. We need to set an example that we are not a sexual sensual fruit here on earth for the pleasure of rodents or whomever. We are vegetables not fruit!” Those who share this belief note tomatos are misunderstood and often projected through negative stereotypes such as images of half-ripened bodies and bouncing beefsteak derrieres. These images represent tomatoes as overly sexual, low class, and unintelligent fruit simply waiting to be picked and exploited.

There is also some concern the Rhutabegas from New Orleans will bring too much “bounce” music and dance to the garden disco — they generally sleep during the day, but the opening of the disco may bring new high-visibility in nightlife and underground culture to life. The prudish potatoes believe the rhutabegos could cross-fertilze the garden with less desirables – weaker strains or even worse the invasive addicted to debauchery, sex work, and the sex economy varietals. But the peppers – oh those hot peppers have said “bring it on grandma! We want more spice in the north country!”

Granny’s gardening shoes and inspiration for the post compliments of Susie!

The big delay in opening turns out to be solving the row controversy around the alpha females – the tall blond corn.  These amazonian women who are used to the spotlight are miffed by the tomatoes recent popularity.  Luckily, the beat-boxing beets in the row next door came up with a way to show off these tall blond beauties.  Rumor has it the corn is teaming with the sound of the beets to introduce dance techniques through a high-intensity interval training style dance that cultivates and shows-off their lean long legs, blond silky hair and skill of moving the gluteus maximus in various directions— side-to-side, rapidly, rhythmically, peeling back the layers sensually.

The potatoes also have been digging in their heels slowing the grand opening.  They feel the garden may get too carried away at night and forget their roots.  They are concerned that tomato twerking is often associated with mainstream rap music and the exotic dance scene. They are concerned it will attract the male rat rappers and reveal where the bare-bodied women are trying to find safe space to express themselves in their rows. They argue that granny’s garden “Made in Vermont” daytime vibe – defined by a meditative space full of herbs, complimentary crop style living, a vegan diet, and a celebration of holistic health – must not get lost in the nighttime disco – they argue we must stay true to the same values. The potatoes feel strongly that the night club needs to include an area for silence and to “just be nature”.  They are advocating for a safe space above the rooted veggies for stillness, a shrine for nature majestic in its beingness and belovedness, cooperation and wellness practices, visualization, digging their roots into the ground, meditation, deep breathing, and general self-care. 

The Snap-pea Senator and front row representative, Tiara Pea challenges this ideology. A video of the senator’s inner peas twerking inside her pod went viral on TikTok. “I’ve struggled with the idea that in order for our garden to be respected, we have to be fully clothed, uniformed and buttoned-up – I was born wanting to get my inner peas out and commend the tomatoes for their freedom of expression. Our goal for the garden disco is to help bring authentic expression to the rows.” Senator Snap-Pea plans to launch the #TwerkForTomatos campaign following the media storm and backlash over the tomatoes twerking success. In her latest tik-tok, she “shakes-up” her inner peas (literally) while advocating for issues such as pruning/abortion rights, voting for who-grows-with-who and more water for the rows. “They never cared about my body when I was fighting for my inner peas autonomy, or when I was fighting for the right to abort my pod and open my peas, or when I was fighting for the right to housing for my community members among the squash,” she said in a new campaign video. “They never cared about my body when I was fighting as a green queer person to have my rights respected by my legislators. No one cared about my inner peas—not until I allowed them to be seen twerking inside me. Now I live with joy, authenticity, and liberation. They cannot control our bodies. And they can’t stop our joy.” Senator Snap-pea not only continues to teach others, but also moves in her own expression of power and purpose to facilitate healing. This juxtaposes what many know or understand about the twerk style of dance.

When interviewing the line outside the disco we found many flowers lining-up waiting to be admitted – their reasons ranged from attracting new pollinators, to joy-seeking and cross-pollinating with parts of themselves that feel muted by the drop in bees. We spoke to Alfalfa Sprout who made the long trip down south from Canada.  She is a sex educator and mental health specialist.  She heard from a friend that the tomatoes could really teach her to twerk.  She knows “Twerking lets me commune with my southern roots.  The percussion helps us feel our deeply interconnected root system in the most satisfying way.” 

Like everything else, by affirming the space as sacred, granny set the tone and intentions for the new night club. She wants to make sure all the veggies know her garden is a safe space for each vegetable to explore their boundaries and push beyond their soil and sun limitations. People may reflect their own discomfort by sexualizing our garden, but granny’s garden is determined to remain a safe space for creative sprouts to rediscover their inner seed.   Her daughter added: “Only you know if you need to twerk and why you’re twerking,” she said. “Some of us were raised on: “lay back and do it for England.  Those times have passed. Honestly, I love it. It feels great to be unapologetic in our femininity and to get a good workout. … We feel rooted, alive and the garden wakes-up feeling empowered.” Granny said: “the garden disco is a gift to the community to celebrate connection. Given the news of fires, droughts, pests and the general apocalypse – it is essential we remember how to dance, laugh and cross-pollinate each other.”

* This joke comes from the Original Celina, my grandmother — she claimed to knit to give her something to think about while she was talking.

PS Today my job is to research and find a greenhouse to get this garden disco started — any and all thoughts on greenhouses warmly welcome!