Ivory Soap

I mean, there's only so much a bar of soap and a bottle of Head and Shoulders can do for a person.

Is it just me or are any of my other Big 80s friends product junkies? As many of you know my mom has decided to age in place and I am attempting to move back to my childhood farm — “if guys can do it gals can do it too!”

And just to be clear: some things are undeniably wonderful — hugs, cozy couch time, sharing our love of Heather Cox Richardson over Mom’s homemade toast, and the mutual admiration society of my kid’s artwork, poetry and all things grandchildren related. All fabulous. But the moment I placed my shower products next to the Ivory soap and Head & Shoulders, Mom’s shocked look said it all. You would think I was trying to open a full blown Sephora in her bathroom!

I've got a bit of a confession to make: I am obsessed with smell and high-quality beauty products. And honestly, it's not fair - mom has never taken a bad picture and still looks like the 80-year-old version of the fresh-faced Ivory girl! Sadly, I have always wanted brown skin and tried for the Bain de Soleil look with northern skin, and I managed to miss the fine print of what that does to the skin at age 50! I mean when my mom says: “you could try Johnson & Johnson” (meaning the baby shampoo), I want to scream: “remember when I lathered myself in their baby oil and we would lie out on the paddle courts frying like bacon strips?? I ruined my skin!”

But please don't get me wrong, I'm not here to judge anyone's beauty routine. My mom has done remarkably well with no help from the various product lines, but my sister and I bond over spa days — after all, who doesn't love a good face mask and exfoliant? But trying to get clean in my childhood bathroom has become a bit like Mission: Impossible. I have to sneak in my old camp shower bucket to hide all my "vanity" products from my mom's judging eyes.

And god forbid I leave an unopened product on the shelf - the next thing I know, mom has it stashed in a bag heading for the Haven for our neighbors in need. Now, I'm all for sharing, and if you live near me and want a good product, just let me know. But this is the one slivers of sanity I am grasping onto as we try to fit our lives back together.

Every time I try to sneak in a new product, she looks at me with a mixture of confusion and horror. "What do you need all this for?" she asks. "Why can't you just use the Ivory soap like a normal person?" I want to scream - mom, do you have any idea what “normal” is to the 1980s generation! I made my kids watch Century of Self during Covid and I feel like all the psychological warfare reached it height with my generation — we are a bunch of insatiable happiness machines!

So here’s the deal, I've got enough bottles of shampoos, washes, gels, ointments, creams, exfoliants, and powders to share with the town — It's a veritable cornucopia of beauty products up here. I mean, mom and I could open up shop and call it "Shower Time with the Celinas”!

But, after laughing about this with mom, we were reminded that beauty is more than what we wear on our faces. It's about confidence, kindness, and being comfortable in our own skin. And if that means we have to sneak our beauty products into the shower like contraband, then so be it. At least we'll feel fabulous post scrub.

And please don't mention the crate of contrabands under my bed! Or if you do, just make sure to use “Ivory Soap” as the code word.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a hot shower and a new face mask calling my name. Just don't tell mom!